Something is building up inside me. It's there. Just below the surface. Some days I think I can almost see it. It is reaching up. Struggling to reach the light and be free. Should I set it free? Or suppress it?
I am afraid of it. But it brings hope. Hope of change. Something different. More than just the status quo. More than what I am now.
When I catch a glimpse I see the edges are razor sharp. It brings pain. I know that when it reaches the surface it will rip through and burst free...but it will not be a quiet change. It will be a violent transformation. With casualties.
I know what it is. It is me. My true form.
She is hiding but she grows restless. She wishes to see the light and be free.
Soon. I shall set her free soon.
When I am prepared for the pain of revealing her. When I am prepared for the changes she brings and the losses she will bring to my life. When I can accept the freedom she promises me.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
How far we've come
A good friend of my husband is staying with us right now. He is going through a very painful time right now and we are trying to help him out. Having him here is a blessing because he is such a great help with the kids and he has even helped with housework and stuff. But, his presence brings up so many ghosts from our past.
It is a reminder of how far we have come. Of how much we have survived and triumphed over.
I love my husband but ours hasn't been an easy road. Our relationship has been through Hell. We have experienced just about every horrible thing that a couple can go through together or do to one another. And here we are. Still together. Still in-love.
No one would have thought we would last this long. And we probably shouldn't have. If either of us had any damn sense we would have split up for good years ago. But we are both too stubborn to give up on what we want. And what we want is each other
I hope that this friend can see there is hope. Not necessarily hope that all relationships can be saved...because they can't. It really does take two people to fight to fix a broken marriage..one person can't do it on their own, no matter how bad they want it. No, the hope lies in the fact that people are stronger than they think. And you can survive and be happy. Even after going through Hell.
It is a reminder of how far we have come. Of how much we have survived and triumphed over.
I love my husband but ours hasn't been an easy road. Our relationship has been through Hell. We have experienced just about every horrible thing that a couple can go through together or do to one another. And here we are. Still together. Still in-love.
No one would have thought we would last this long. And we probably shouldn't have. If either of us had any damn sense we would have split up for good years ago. But we are both too stubborn to give up on what we want. And what we want is each other
I hope that this friend can see there is hope. Not necessarily hope that all relationships can be saved...because they can't. It really does take two people to fight to fix a broken marriage..one person can't do it on their own, no matter how bad they want it. No, the hope lies in the fact that people are stronger than they think. And you can survive and be happy. Even after going through Hell.
Monday, July 1, 2013
I lied!
Ok, so I lied. Obviously. I PROMISED I would update this more often...and that was almost a year ago. Oops. My bad!
So, things have been really up and down lately. Lately? No...I guess things have been pretty much up and down my whole life. So nothing is really new....guess I don't need to update after all!
The end.
No, seriously though. Life is still crazy as ever. Josh really didn't appreciate me blogging about anything that had to do with him and it's really hard to share my life with others without including him. Since he is such a big part of my life. So, I just have to be careful about not mentioning super personal stuff about him.
Or find a way so he can't ever read this!!
So, I did finally find a job and I have been there for about 9 1/2 months now. I hate the job really but the money is okay so I will keep it until something better comes along. Or until I snap and hang myself in a closet or shoot the place up.
The kids are still a handful. They all still have "challenges" that we have to deal with. Skylar hasn't been hospitalized in over a year, though....YAY! I know that sounds really bad. There is some woman out there reading this thinking I am the worst mom ever. "Oh, so your kid hasn't gone nuts and had to be locked up for her own safety? Gee way to go SUPERWOMAN!" Well, you know what I would like to say to those judgmental beotches? F*@K YOU! Walk a mile in my shoes and then we can talk.
Sorry, I started to slide off on a tangent there. Been dealing with lots of judgmental people and criticism over the past year. It gets so old. I wish people could understand mental illness better. God, that would make my life so much easier.
Anyhow...Let's see..what else can I update about. Oh, in addition to my job working at a department store (at the mall!) I also joined a direct sales company called Paparazzi. I sell accessories and I FRIGGIN LOVE IT!! I really wish I could win a gazillion dollars so I could quit my day job and then just do this allll the time. But dreams just don't ever come true, do they? No. They don't. Remember that kids. If you dream a little dream then you are just kidding yourself!! You have to get out and get a REAL JOB if you want to eat. Or just become a hooker or sell crack. That would work too.
I am tired. I wanted to update in case anyone actually cared. I would promise I will update more often but you all know I am a big fat liar so I will just say that I will TRY to update more often :)
So, things have been really up and down lately. Lately? No...I guess things have been pretty much up and down my whole life. So nothing is really new....guess I don't need to update after all!
The end.
No, seriously though. Life is still crazy as ever. Josh really didn't appreciate me blogging about anything that had to do with him and it's really hard to share my life with others without including him. Since he is such a big part of my life. So, I just have to be careful about not mentioning super personal stuff about him.
Or find a way so he can't ever read this!!
So, I did finally find a job and I have been there for about 9 1/2 months now. I hate the job really but the money is okay so I will keep it until something better comes along. Or until I snap and hang myself in a closet or shoot the place up.
The kids are still a handful. They all still have "challenges" that we have to deal with. Skylar hasn't been hospitalized in over a year, though....YAY! I know that sounds really bad. There is some woman out there reading this thinking I am the worst mom ever. "Oh, so your kid hasn't gone nuts and had to be locked up for her own safety? Gee way to go SUPERWOMAN!" Well, you know what I would like to say to those judgmental beotches? F*@K YOU! Walk a mile in my shoes and then we can talk.
Sorry, I started to slide off on a tangent there. Been dealing with lots of judgmental people and criticism over the past year. It gets so old. I wish people could understand mental illness better. God, that would make my life so much easier.
Anyhow...Let's see..what else can I update about. Oh, in addition to my job working at a department store (at the mall!) I also joined a direct sales company called Paparazzi. I sell accessories and I FRIGGIN LOVE IT!! I really wish I could win a gazillion dollars so I could quit my day job and then just do this allll the time. But dreams just don't ever come true, do they? No. They don't. Remember that kids. If you dream a little dream then you are just kidding yourself!! You have to get out and get a REAL JOB if you want to eat. Or just become a hooker or sell crack. That would work too.
I am tired. I wanted to update in case anyone actually cared. I would promise I will update more often but you all know I am a big fat liar so I will just say that I will TRY to update more often :)
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