Thoughts

I normally love my birthday.  This year I am strugglung, though.
In 1998 my mother was having a really hard time. Her 36th birthday was coming up and 17 year old me decided to do something special for her. I worked at Chuck E. Cheese at the time and I got her a full birthday party package. Her friends came with their kids and we all played games and danced with Chuck E. and had a ball. Her presents that year from me, were a giant stuffed Chuck E. Cheese doll and a sapphire birthstone ring. Other than my car, that was tge most money I had ever spent. And it was so worth it. That ring was actually removed from her hand when she went to the hospital, before she passed.
Tomorrow I will be 36 and I have this strong urge to call her and reminisce about that fun day. But I  fucking cant.

Shout Out

It's very important I give a public shout-out to my husband, Josh. This year has been very hard for me. Every day I suffered in silence and every day I lost a little more of myself. Yes, there were tragic events this year, but it goes way beyond that. About 6 months ago those 2 horrible beasts, Depression and Anxiety, had gripped on to me and weren't letting me go. Last Friday I was very close to letting them win...but I decided to ask for help instead. I was hospitalized for 3 days.
During that time Josh did a great job of taking care of the kids and home and was even able to work out a way to come visit me. Since I've been home I have been asked a few times if I'm good now. I'm better than I was but I'm not all good, yet. Every day is a constant struggle and it takes every ounce of me to do what I need to do. But you know what helps? All the support and help from Josh. He doesn't know what I'm going through. And it's still really hard to talk about to him. But it doesn't matter. He's still got my back. He knows I'm not well and he's taking care of me the best way he can....by taking care of everything else. I have to work. There's no way around that. But he's been handling the house and kids and errands and appointments and supporting me and making sure I've got everything I need. Just making it through the work day is a mountainous task for me and by the time I get home I'm a wreck. But I can just let go and try to shake off the day because I know he's here for me. He doesn't shame me for not being able to handle even tiny stressors right now. He just takes over. He's been my rock this past week. And while I'm not "good" yet, I actually have hope that I will be. For the first time in a very long time, I have hope that I'll get better thanks, in large part, to my awesome husband.

When people hear that me and Josh have been married for 14 years I get a mix of responses.  It ranges from complete amazement to utter confusion.  People that KNOW us and know about our crazy history think that we are stupid for staying together.  Either I have beaten him down and crushed him enough to stick around.....or vice versa!  People that don't know us think we have some sort of epic love story.  I guess both groups are sort of right.  Our marriage hasn't always been a healthy one.  But we're not really healthy people.  We're both kind of crazy.  And that makes a crazy mixture. We've been through just about every challenge a marriage can face. We've definitely been through some wild shit.  We've both been the bad guys.  And we've both caused each other immeasurable amounts of pain.  But we've also been each other's saviors and brought each other so much joy and love. 

Sometimes people ask me for advice.  They think that if me and Josh can be together for so long then surely I know something they don't.  Not really.  All I know are the hard lessons I have learned by failing. There are so many things that I had to learn the hard way.  Here are 10 of those lessons:

1. Be a team.  Oh, sure, that sounds cheesy and very unoriginal.  But it's true.  Face everything as teammates. Support each other. Back each other up.  Even if you disagree.  If you disagree with your partner's decision then you can talk it out.  Try to change their mind, if you must.  But if they stay firm then you HAVE to back them.  If you think they are being a complete idiot then you can tell them...but back them any way!  It's hard to watch someone make a mistake...but it's their mistake to make.  Their lesson to learn (and don't be there with an "I told you so" if they fail) Once you withhold your support they start to expect your dissonance. They will start to keep things to themselves and will feel alone. There is no worse feeling then to feel alone when you are with someone. 

2. Keep private things private.  So says the person writing a public blog post!!  Seriously, though, you don't have to broadcast everything.  Good and bad.  Share things with your partner that are just between the two of you.  When you start letting others in on every detail of your relationship that's when the distance will grow.  It's ok to seek advice and counsel from close friends or even a professional therapist.  But you don't have to lay all your business out for every Tom, Dick, and Sally.  And, honestly, most people really don't care!  

3. Take all advice with a grain of salt. Advice comes from other people's experiences.  And every experience is different. This includes this very blog post!!  You can listen to advice from friends who have "been there and done that" but you have to really examine it and try to determine if it fits your unique circumstances. Plus, not everyone is rooting for your happiness.  It's sad but true.  Some people lead very miserable lives and just love to bring misery to others. Also, it's just not possible for someone outside your relationship to know and understand all the variables involved.  

4. If it works for the two of you...stick with it.  It takes trial and error, sometimes, to find what works for your relationship.  But if you find a way of sharing your lives with each other that works then just do that.  

5. Try new things together.  You don't want to fall into a stale old pattern of living.  It doesn't have to be huge.  Me and Josh started eating at new places.  Yeah, sounds lame.  But until the kids are are grown and gone we just don't get to get out alone.  So we go to lunch together when I'm off work and the kids are in school.  We go to a different place each time so we can try everything.  Some have been winners.  Some have been a waste.  Once the kids are grown and gone I hope our new experiences can be a little bigger than just lunch...but it works for now. 

6. Push each other to be better people.  Don't be too critical of your partner but encourage them in any way you can to be kinder and generous and loving to others.  Nobody is perfect.  We all have character flaws.  You can encourage your partner to be "better" without cutting them down.  Although, sometimes a simple, "Don't be a dick" is warranted. 

7. Tell your partner what you need.  Spell it out.  If you need something from your partner don't hint at it.  Don't hope they realize.  Don't send out signals.  Just SAY IT!  We get a little self absorbed sometimes. Especially when we are fighting our own inner battles. We don't always realize our partner is needing something from us.  

8. If your partner tells you they have a need..try to meet it.  Oh this can be so hard. You have your own shit to handle.  But it's part of being a team. Don't be selfish.  You have needs too.  And you want your partner to meet your needs.  So try to meet theirs!  If you absolutely can't then explain why. Don't just shut them out. 

9. Apologize.  This is a big one for me.  I don't apologize.  I'm working on it, though.  Apologize for little things and big things.  Make it a habit to always apologize.  Sometimes we're all assholes.  And we should apologize!  Sometimes we hurt people without meaning to.  It doesn't matter.  Apologize anyway.  Sometimes we don't understand why what we did hurt the other person.  It doesn't matter.  If you hurt someone....apologize.   

10. Laugh together.  Laugh with each other and laugh at each other.  Don't be mean...but it's ok to tease and joke.  Have inside jokes.  It won't just keep you close...it will keep you young!  

Sure there are other hard lessons I have learned.  But I guess those are the top 10.  There are no guarantees in life or love. Forever isn't always "forever". But if you make a CHOICE to stay together then you have to make an effort to do things right. You can't just sit back and hope for the best.  

It's building up

Something is building up inside me.  It's there.  Just below the surface.  Some days I think I can almost see it.  It is reaching up.  Struggling to reach the light and be free.  Should I set it free?  Or suppress it?
I am afraid of it.  But it brings hope.  Hope of change.  Something different.  More than just the status quo.  More than what I am now.
When I catch a glimpse I see the edges are razor sharp. It brings pain. I know that when it reaches the surface it will rip through and burst free...but it will not be a quiet change.  It will be a violent transformation.  With casualties.
I know what it is.  It is me.  My true form.
She is hiding but she grows restless.  She wishes to see the light and be free.
Soon.  I shall set her free soon.
When I am prepared for the pain of revealing her.  When I am prepared for the changes she brings and the losses she will bring to my life.  When I can accept the freedom she promises me.

How far we've come

A good friend of my husband is staying with us right now. He is going through a very painful time right now and we are trying to help him out. Having him here is a blessing because he is such a great help with the kids and he has even helped with housework and stuff. But, his presence brings up so many ghosts from our past.
It is a reminder of how far we have come. Of how much we have survived and triumphed over.
I love my husband but ours hasn't been an easy road. Our relationship has been through Hell. We have experienced just about every horrible thing that a couple can go through together or do to one another. And here we are. Still together. Still in-love.
No one would have thought we would last this long. And we probably shouldn't have. If either of us had any damn sense we would have split up for good years ago. But we are both too stubborn to give up on what we want. And what we want is each other
I hope that this friend can see there is hope. Not necessarily hope that all relationships can be saved...because they can't. It really does take two people to fight to fix a broken marriage..one person can't do it on their own, no matter how bad they want it. No, the hope lies in the fact that people are stronger than they think. And you can survive and be happy. Even after going through Hell.

I lied!

Ok, so I lied.  Obviously.  I PROMISED I would update this more often...and that was almost a year ago.  Oops.  My bad!

So, things have been really up and down lately.  Lately?  No...I guess things have been pretty much up and down my whole life.  So nothing is really new....guess I don't need to update after all!
The end.

No, seriously though.  Life is still crazy as ever.  Josh really didn't appreciate me blogging about anything that had to do with him and it's really hard to share my life with others without including him.  Since he is such a big part of my life.  So, I just have to be careful about not mentioning super personal stuff about him.
Or find a way so he can't ever read this!!

So, I did finally find a job and I have been there for about 9 1/2 months now.  I hate the job really but the money is okay so I will keep it until something better comes along.  Or until I snap and hang myself in a closet or shoot the place up.

The kids are still a handful.  They all still have "challenges" that we have to deal with.  Skylar hasn't been hospitalized in over a year, though....YAY!  I know that sounds really bad.  There is some woman out there reading this thinking I am the worst mom ever.  "Oh, so your kid hasn't gone nuts and had to be locked up for her own safety?  Gee way to go SUPERWOMAN!"  Well, you know what I would like to say to those judgmental beotches?  F*@K YOU!  Walk a mile in my shoes and then we can talk.

Sorry, I started to slide off on a tangent there.  Been dealing with lots of judgmental people and criticism over the past year.  It gets so old.  I wish people could understand mental illness better.  God, that would make my life so much easier.

Anyhow...Let's see..what else can I update about.  Oh, in addition to my job working at a department store (at the mall!) I also joined a direct sales company called Paparazzi.  I sell accessories and I FRIGGIN LOVE IT!!  I really wish I could win a gazillion dollars so I could quit my day job and then just do this allll the time.  But dreams just don't ever come true, do they?  No.  They don't.  Remember that kids.  If you dream a little dream then you are just kidding yourself!!  You have to get out and get a REAL JOB if you want to eat.  Or just become a hooker or sell crack.  That would work too.

I am tired.  I wanted to update in case anyone actually cared.  I would promise I will update more often but you all know I am a big fat liar so I will just say that I will TRY to update more often :)

Just a quick update...I'm still here!

So, I haven't made a blog post in almost a year.  So much has happened in the last year and I was feeling too overwhelmed to share it all with the world.  Things are still crazy and out of control but it's gotten to the point where I realize that things may never fully settle down.  This is just my life.  It's wild and hectic and in constant chaos.  The sooner I accept that the better off we'll all be, I think!
I'll probably go over some of the stuff that has been going on more in depth but, for now, here is a quick and dirty run-down of some of the highlights from the past year:

*Skylar was in and out of the hospital several times.  She even had to be transferred to a more intensive hospital out of town for awhile.  She finally got her IEP at school....only to be told this year that her school doesn't have room for Special Ed. so she will have to transfer schools now.  Yes, because she does soooo well with change!  Thanks, Super Craptastic School District.

*I quit my job in February.  There was just too much chaos at home and Josh wasn't able to handle it all on his own (most people wouldn't have been able to).  I've been ready to go back to work for 2 months but now I can't get anyone to hire me!  This has caused major financial hardships for us.

*Josh's mom died in January.  Losing both of his parents within a year of each other has been extremely hard for him to deal with.  It also led to a major family squabble that ended with Josh's entire family cutting him off and him cutting them out of our lives as well.

*Daniel's anger issues are getting worse by the second it seems.  He still gets lots of services to try and help but we just haven't figured out what will work with him yet.  He starts middle school this year.  Lord, help us all!

* Gabriel had a great year in kindergarten....until the last couple of months of the school year.  He is going to transfer with Skylar so I'm hoping he does well in the new school.  He doesn't do too well with change either!

* Me and Josh were going to marriage counseling to work on our marital issues but then we had to switch therapists and the new therapist wanted to work with Josh alone.  She wanted to help him with his anxiety problems and do some new therapies with him to help him manage his anxiety problems better.  Josh went a few times and then quit therapy.

*My marriage is just hanging on by a very brittle thread right now.  I don't want to go into all the issues right this second but let's just say that we need some miracle help to resuscitate this relationship.  Not having a partner to help me through all the stress has been extremely hard.

*2 months ago I joined a gym!  Yep...big ole fatty me joined a gym!  I've been under the impression since I was a small child that exercise was a terrible terrible thing.  This thinking, along with my love of alll junk food, led me to get to the disgusting weight of 317!!  When I went to the doctor in April I was stunned to see that weight and decided I had no choice but to get healthy.  I have been going after this task just as I did when I quit smoking.  I want to live and be healthy so I have absolutely no choice but to do this.  It's been 2 months and I actually LIKE going to the gym!  I love seeing the results I'm getting.  It makes me feel stronger and more confident in other areas of my life also.  So far I have lost 24 pounds and I'm not slowing down.


Well, that's a few of the issues I've been dealing with.  Oh, there's more but I just can't sit here and type all day!  I promise to update this blog more frequently.