When people hear that me and Josh have been married for 14 years I get a mix of responses.  It ranges from complete amazement to utter confusion.  People that KNOW us and know about our crazy history think that we are stupid for staying together.  Either I have beaten him down and crushed him enough to stick around.....or vice versa!  People that don't know us think we have some sort of epic love story.  I guess both groups are sort of right.  Our marriage hasn't always been a healthy one.  But we're not really healthy people.  We're both kind of crazy.  And that makes a crazy mixture. We've been through just about every challenge a marriage can face. We've definitely been through some wild shit.  We've both been the bad guys.  And we've both caused each other immeasurable amounts of pain.  But we've also been each other's saviors and brought each other so much joy and love. 

Sometimes people ask me for advice.  They think that if me and Josh can be together for so long then surely I know something they don't.  Not really.  All I know are the hard lessons I have learned by failing. There are so many things that I had to learn the hard way.  Here are 10 of those lessons:

1. Be a team.  Oh, sure, that sounds cheesy and very unoriginal.  But it's true.  Face everything as teammates. Support each other. Back each other up.  Even if you disagree.  If you disagree with your partner's decision then you can talk it out.  Try to change their mind, if you must.  But if they stay firm then you HAVE to back them.  If you think they are being a complete idiot then you can tell them...but back them any way!  It's hard to watch someone make a mistake...but it's their mistake to make.  Their lesson to learn (and don't be there with an "I told you so" if they fail) Once you withhold your support they start to expect your dissonance. They will start to keep things to themselves and will feel alone. There is no worse feeling then to feel alone when you are with someone. 

2. Keep private things private.  So says the person writing a public blog post!!  Seriously, though, you don't have to broadcast everything.  Good and bad.  Share things with your partner that are just between the two of you.  When you start letting others in on every detail of your relationship that's when the distance will grow.  It's ok to seek advice and counsel from close friends or even a professional therapist.  But you don't have to lay all your business out for every Tom, Dick, and Sally.  And, honestly, most people really don't care!  

3. Take all advice with a grain of salt. Advice comes from other people's experiences.  And every experience is different. This includes this very blog post!!  You can listen to advice from friends who have "been there and done that" but you have to really examine it and try to determine if it fits your unique circumstances. Plus, not everyone is rooting for your happiness.  It's sad but true.  Some people lead very miserable lives and just love to bring misery to others. Also, it's just not possible for someone outside your relationship to know and understand all the variables involved.  

4. If it works for the two of you...stick with it.  It takes trial and error, sometimes, to find what works for your relationship.  But if you find a way of sharing your lives with each other that works then just do that.  

5. Try new things together.  You don't want to fall into a stale old pattern of living.  It doesn't have to be huge.  Me and Josh started eating at new places.  Yeah, sounds lame.  But until the kids are are grown and gone we just don't get to get out alone.  So we go to lunch together when I'm off work and the kids are in school.  We go to a different place each time so we can try everything.  Some have been winners.  Some have been a waste.  Once the kids are grown and gone I hope our new experiences can be a little bigger than just lunch...but it works for now. 

6. Push each other to be better people.  Don't be too critical of your partner but encourage them in any way you can to be kinder and generous and loving to others.  Nobody is perfect.  We all have character flaws.  You can encourage your partner to be "better" without cutting them down.  Although, sometimes a simple, "Don't be a dick" is warranted. 

7. Tell your partner what you need.  Spell it out.  If you need something from your partner don't hint at it.  Don't hope they realize.  Don't send out signals.  Just SAY IT!  We get a little self absorbed sometimes. Especially when we are fighting our own inner battles. We don't always realize our partner is needing something from us.  

8. If your partner tells you they have a need..try to meet it.  Oh this can be so hard. You have your own shit to handle.  But it's part of being a team. Don't be selfish.  You have needs too.  And you want your partner to meet your needs.  So try to meet theirs!  If you absolutely can't then explain why. Don't just shut them out. 

9. Apologize.  This is a big one for me.  I don't apologize.  I'm working on it, though.  Apologize for little things and big things.  Make it a habit to always apologize.  Sometimes we're all assholes.  And we should apologize!  Sometimes we hurt people without meaning to.  It doesn't matter.  Apologize anyway.  Sometimes we don't understand why what we did hurt the other person.  It doesn't matter.  If you hurt someone....apologize.   

10. Laugh together.  Laugh with each other and laugh at each other.  Don't be mean...but it's ok to tease and joke.  Have inside jokes.  It won't just keep you close...it will keep you young!  

Sure there are other hard lessons I have learned.  But I guess those are the top 10.  There are no guarantees in life or love. Forever isn't always "forever". But if you make a CHOICE to stay together then you have to make an effort to do things right. You can't just sit back and hope for the best.