So, most people that know me and Josh, know that we met online through a dating website. It was the summer of 1999. I was at K-State in the dorms and bored and I put up a profile. I got a bunch of perverts and military guys from Ft. Riley that replied. There was one guy that wanted to meet me and he seemed fairly normal. Me and a friend met up with him and his friend and we went to his house to watch a movie. But he lived in his parent's basement and the movie was Evil Dead 2! Yuck! Then one night I was at the library doing research for my expository writing paper (I wrote about Christians and Tattoos and got an A!) I checked my email and there was one with the subject "An Angel for you". I literally LOL'd and clicked it. The guy seemed really sweet. He did mention he lived with his mom, despite being 22, but I could work with it. I emailed him back and we hit it off. He worked construction and lived with his mom to help her with the bills. He had a dog that he loved and he wrote poetry. I told him that I wrote poetry, too! We emailed back and forth that whole night and even talked on the phone. The next day he emailed me a link to his poetry website, which included a picture (my first glimpse at what he looked like!) We met face-to-face just a few days later and the rest, as they say, is history.
So.....here is the "something cool" I promised you in the title. The link to Josh's old poetry website :)
http://members.tripod.com/king_dude/
He did update some of the info after we got together but the poems are the same...and so is the picture!
It was as I was reading through all those poems when I realized this was a dude I could definitely give my heart to. He was like me! Josh would never admit that. He thinks we are polar opposites. He doesn't think we have anything in common. He used to joke that he didn't really believe in opposites attracting until we met. But when I read through his poems I saw a kindred spirit. It wasn't just the fact that he wrote poems and was okay with putting his feelings out there....unlike about 90% of the guys I've ever met...there was a familiarity in his words that spoke directly to my soul. I was 18 and he was 22 but I knew I had found my soul-mate. I know it sounds ridiculous and like some sort of corny lifetime movie...but it's true. Oh, sure the bastard drives me insane and pisses me off about 6,895 times a day. Most days I wonder if I even LIKE him...let alone LOVE him...but then I read through these poems from his youth and remember that we are the same...and I think..how could I NOT love him?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
I am being tested.
I think I'm being tested. I'm not sure who is doing the testing, or what I win if I pass, but this definitely feels like a test. Every part of my life and even little bits of my sanity are in a whirlwind and are being ripped to pieces. I think the object of this test is to see what my breaking point is....or maybe it's not a test but just a sick and twisted torture game.
So, I'm being tested..or tortured...either way I am going through a lot of shit right now. I have some people telling me how strong I am and others telling me I am weak and not holding myself together enough. That's really nice. I don't think I am either one. I'm just going through this like anything else. I handle what I can handle and I shove everything else aside...why worry about it if I can't immediately fix it, right? So, then this morning I see this quote:
"Women are like tea bags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water."
-Eleanor Roosevelt.
And my first thought was that Eleanor Roosevelt was one creepy bitch....and then I realized she wasn't talking about ACTUALLY boiling real women...it's just an analogy comparing really stressful situations to being in hot water. Ok, sorry. My brain has been through the ringer lately and sometimes I'm not so sharp! So, after I realize what the quote is really saying (and mentally apologize to the late Mrs. Roosevelt) I start to compare it to myself. Maybe I am being tested to see how strong I am. But I didn't even get to study before this test. And I don't like tea...oh, wait...it's an analogy, right. Ahem. Sorry...remember my brain isn't functioning correctly.
All I know is things really suck right now but I am surviving it. I seriously don't know how...but I am! The water is really hot right now but I just keep steeping and I'm just getting stronger and stronger! I might just pass this test.
So, I'm being tested..or tortured...either way I am going through a lot of shit right now. I have some people telling me how strong I am and others telling me I am weak and not holding myself together enough. That's really nice. I don't think I am either one. I'm just going through this like anything else. I handle what I can handle and I shove everything else aside...why worry about it if I can't immediately fix it, right? So, then this morning I see this quote:
"Women are like tea bags. You don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water."
-Eleanor Roosevelt.
And my first thought was that Eleanor Roosevelt was one creepy bitch....and then I realized she wasn't talking about ACTUALLY boiling real women...it's just an analogy comparing really stressful situations to being in hot water. Ok, sorry. My brain has been through the ringer lately and sometimes I'm not so sharp! So, after I realize what the quote is really saying (and mentally apologize to the late Mrs. Roosevelt) I start to compare it to myself. Maybe I am being tested to see how strong I am. But I didn't even get to study before this test. And I don't like tea...oh, wait...it's an analogy, right. Ahem. Sorry...remember my brain isn't functioning correctly.
All I know is things really suck right now but I am surviving it. I seriously don't know how...but I am! The water is really hot right now but I just keep steeping and I'm just getting stronger and stronger! I might just pass this test.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Skylar
So, I had a big long post typed up about Skylar. Then Josh's stupid laptop just shut off and I lost it all! GRRRR!!! His laptop does that sometimes ever since Gabriel threw it across the room and now the battery gets loose. Soooo...I'm going to try this again......
Like I said, Skylar is my second-born and she is 7. If Daniel was a perfect angel-baby...she was a demon child from birth! Well, maybe not quite that extreme. She was a diva. Let's say that. She knew what she wanted and she was going to get her way no matter what she had to do to get it. The problem with that is BABIES CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT! Due to some horrible PPD that I was suffering from after having her and her being an immediate "daddy's girl" Josh had to come up with some pretty unique ways of keeping her calm. I remember a period of time where he would calm her down by playing Ozzy Osbourne music. I don't know if it scared her into silence or if it spoke to her inner demon...but it worked! She would be screaming and he'd try to feed her and change her and it wouldn't work so he'd just play some Ozzy. Ok, whatever works!
When she was a toddler she would throw some epic tantrums! Oh, she was so cute and charming...when she was getting her way!
School has been very hard for Skylar. In kindergarten she had trouble paying attention, and making friends, and doing anything that she didn't want to do! She would get very nervous and would sit and pull her hair out...or go to the nurse a lot. We tried Girl Scouts, but it made her more nervous. She would not do any work that she didn't want to do unless her teacher showered her with praise and attention and/or gave her prizes. By the end of the year she was acting out by stealing from other kids in the class.
At home she was having violent explosions. She would be just fine and then all of a sudden she would start screaming and violently attack anyone near her. During this time she also started climbing out of the upstairs windows and she broke a window out during a tantrum. We nailed the windows shut and she started therapy and got on some meds for her anxiety and a mood stabilizer.
1st grade started out ok. As the year went on, though, she was going to the nurse more and more. And then all Hell broke loose. Not just for Skylar, but the entire family. In Dec. 2010 my grandma died. It was a huge blow to the family. Skylar took it VERY hard. She was sad a lot. She worked with her therapist and started some extra grief counseling, but she was just sad a lot. Then in February 2011 Josh went to check on his father one day and found him dead. That was probably the most traumatic thing this family has experienced together. Skylar took this even WORSE than she did my grandma's death. She was VERY close to her grandpa...she was his little princess. At school she started acting out. She was going to the nurse almost every day and refusing to do any work at all. At the beginning of March my mother got pneumonia and was in the ICU for a long time and came very close to dying. I spent several days out of town to be with her and then even after I came home I went back up there a couple times to see her. We tried to keep the seriousness of the situation away from Skylar, but I think she sensed that something terrible was going on. In April 2011 Skylar had her first break-down at school. She tried to run out of the building, was running up and down the halls screaming, and had kicked the teacher and the school social worker. I came to the school and we were able to get her to calm down enough to leave with me. The next day she did it again! This continued several more times. Her therapist was working a lot with her but her behaviors were getting more and more extreme. One day she completely cleared the classroom! She threw desks and books and trashed the entire room. She even tried to throw the class lizard! After a terrible incident where she was bashing her own head on the walls and floor, I made the decision to put her in the hospital. She was there for about a week. But she was back to her old tricks when she came out. We got an attendant care provider to sit with her at school..it helped a little bit but it also gave her a new target. One day she was suspended for trying to stab her attendant care with a pair of scissors! We were able to determine that she sometimes has panic attacks that set off her outbursts. Sometimes they are set off due to her trying to get her way. And sometimes she is just trying to get attention.
Then the summer came. Her attendant care provider, case manager, and therapist continued to work with her. She still had meltdowns from time to time, and she was still very defiant...but she wasn't having major explosions all the time. We decided when school started back up that her attendant care provider would be with her all day, every day, starting the first day of school. She only made it about 5 hours before we got our first phone call! She was sad and wanted to come home. I talked her into staying, though. Two days later she had to come home because she went to sleep at school and wouldn't stay awake. That was a Friday. On Monday she was suspended for the first time this school year (only 5 days after school started!)...she had one of her meltdowns and I had to come get her. We had a meeting at the school and they are trying to get some extra services for her...but with tiny budgets and no extra staff, it's hard. So, that's where we are with Skylar. She's been in the 2nd grade for 4 weeks and she's been sent home three times. We've had several phone calls where we've had to "talk her down" and we just don't know what else to do at this point. We basically take each day minute by minute. I really don't know why she is this way...and we really are doing the best we can to get help for her.
Ok, this post took me over an hour to make and the kids are all throwing tantrums and threatening mutiny if I don't get my ass in the kitchen and fix them some damn tacos!
Like I said, Skylar is my second-born and she is 7. If Daniel was a perfect angel-baby...she was a demon child from birth! Well, maybe not quite that extreme. She was a diva. Let's say that. She knew what she wanted and she was going to get her way no matter what she had to do to get it. The problem with that is BABIES CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT! Due to some horrible PPD that I was suffering from after having her and her being an immediate "daddy's girl" Josh had to come up with some pretty unique ways of keeping her calm. I remember a period of time where he would calm her down by playing Ozzy Osbourne music. I don't know if it scared her into silence or if it spoke to her inner demon...but it worked! She would be screaming and he'd try to feed her and change her and it wouldn't work so he'd just play some Ozzy. Ok, whatever works!
When she was a toddler she would throw some epic tantrums! Oh, she was so cute and charming...when she was getting her way!
School has been very hard for Skylar. In kindergarten she had trouble paying attention, and making friends, and doing anything that she didn't want to do! She would get very nervous and would sit and pull her hair out...or go to the nurse a lot. We tried Girl Scouts, but it made her more nervous. She would not do any work that she didn't want to do unless her teacher showered her with praise and attention and/or gave her prizes. By the end of the year she was acting out by stealing from other kids in the class.
At home she was having violent explosions. She would be just fine and then all of a sudden she would start screaming and violently attack anyone near her. During this time she also started climbing out of the upstairs windows and she broke a window out during a tantrum. We nailed the windows shut and she started therapy and got on some meds for her anxiety and a mood stabilizer.
1st grade started out ok. As the year went on, though, she was going to the nurse more and more. And then all Hell broke loose. Not just for Skylar, but the entire family. In Dec. 2010 my grandma died. It was a huge blow to the family. Skylar took it VERY hard. She was sad a lot. She worked with her therapist and started some extra grief counseling, but she was just sad a lot. Then in February 2011 Josh went to check on his father one day and found him dead. That was probably the most traumatic thing this family has experienced together. Skylar took this even WORSE than she did my grandma's death. She was VERY close to her grandpa...she was his little princess. At school she started acting out. She was going to the nurse almost every day and refusing to do any work at all. At the beginning of March my mother got pneumonia and was in the ICU for a long time and came very close to dying. I spent several days out of town to be with her and then even after I came home I went back up there a couple times to see her. We tried to keep the seriousness of the situation away from Skylar, but I think she sensed that something terrible was going on. In April 2011 Skylar had her first break-down at school. She tried to run out of the building, was running up and down the halls screaming, and had kicked the teacher and the school social worker. I came to the school and we were able to get her to calm down enough to leave with me. The next day she did it again! This continued several more times. Her therapist was working a lot with her but her behaviors were getting more and more extreme. One day she completely cleared the classroom! She threw desks and books and trashed the entire room. She even tried to throw the class lizard! After a terrible incident where she was bashing her own head on the walls and floor, I made the decision to put her in the hospital. She was there for about a week. But she was back to her old tricks when she came out. We got an attendant care provider to sit with her at school..it helped a little bit but it also gave her a new target. One day she was suspended for trying to stab her attendant care with a pair of scissors! We were able to determine that she sometimes has panic attacks that set off her outbursts. Sometimes they are set off due to her trying to get her way. And sometimes she is just trying to get attention.
Then the summer came. Her attendant care provider, case manager, and therapist continued to work with her. She still had meltdowns from time to time, and she was still very defiant...but she wasn't having major explosions all the time. We decided when school started back up that her attendant care provider would be with her all day, every day, starting the first day of school. She only made it about 5 hours before we got our first phone call! She was sad and wanted to come home. I talked her into staying, though. Two days later she had to come home because she went to sleep at school and wouldn't stay awake. That was a Friday. On Monday she was suspended for the first time this school year (only 5 days after school started!)...she had one of her meltdowns and I had to come get her. We had a meeting at the school and they are trying to get some extra services for her...but with tiny budgets and no extra staff, it's hard. So, that's where we are with Skylar. She's been in the 2nd grade for 4 weeks and she's been sent home three times. We've had several phone calls where we've had to "talk her down" and we just don't know what else to do at this point. We basically take each day minute by minute. I really don't know why she is this way...and we really are doing the best we can to get help for her.
Ok, this post took me over an hour to make and the kids are all throwing tantrums and threatening mutiny if I don't get my ass in the kitchen and fix them some damn tacos!
Background on the kids...
Wow, this has been a really crazy day! But I promised an update so I'm gonna update you people, damnit!
I want to give a little background on my kids. Just so you have a little bit of a clue when I say I've had a "crazy day". It doesn't mean I chipped a nail or spilled my coffee...it usually means I was dealing with a psychotic child!
So here's just a bit of background so you can see where we are at right now and what we've been through with the kids.
Daniel is the oldest. He is 10 and he'll be 11 in just a few weeks. He was a perfect little baby! He only cried when he really needed to. He wasn't overly demanding. He slept all night long. It wasn't until he was 2 when we started noticing he was more hyper than other kids...that he couldn't sit still for ANY length of time. That he NEVER stopped talking. He was easily frustrated and he wast starting to become overly sensitive. When he was 5 he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (most people know what ADHD is...ODD is oppositional defiant disorder). Later on he got a "mood disorder" tacked on due to his anxiety issues. He is smart. VERY smart. When he was in kindergarten we decided to go ahead and have him tested to see if he would get help from the Gifted program at school. His I.Q. was 146! Unfortunately, his "smarts" are book smarts. He is very much lacking in the "common sense" department! That means he could do algebra when he was 6 but couldn't learn to tie his shoes until he was 8 (and still just prefers to wear velcro shoes because laces are "too hard"!) Daniel has a lot of pent up rage. A LOT! He will randomly just blow his top and start screaming about how he is going to kill us all. Or himself. We have tried many different medication combinations and therapy situations. Right now Daniel is currently on meds to help stabilize his moods and deal with his anxiety but is off of his ADHD meds right now due to some serious side effects he was experiencing. He has to get his ADHD med out of his system before we can try a different one so he's just a little nutso right now!
Skylar is 7. Unfortunately I have too much to type about Skylar and she is going to get an entire separate post dedicated to just her!! She is diagnosed with mood disorder, ODD, ADD, and we are trying to have her tested for sensory integration dysfunction.
Gabriel is 5. Gabriel was going to be my last child. We were DONE at 3 kids. And, I admit, I spoiled the heck out of him because he was my "baby". Unfortunately, Gabriel was NOT an easy baby. He had colic and screamed almost non-stop for the first 3 months of his life! He was on the move very early. He never really crawled...he just didn't have time to learn how! At around 4 months old he was scooting around and then at about 9 months he was walking. He was moving CONSTANTLY. We knew very early that he had ADHD. We just knew. I know there are the swarms of people that don't believe in ADHD or think it's overly diagnosed. Trust me when I tell you that if you have ANY doubts....you would be a believer after being with Gabriel for only 5 minutes! Gabriel is a very funny child, though. And very empathetic. Unfortunately, Gabriel also is VERY routine-oriented. He also has some strong anxieties. Things have to be done a certain way..ALL the time. When things don't go the way he thinks they should then, OH MAN! You better look out! He also has some sensory issues but they aren't usually too extreme. He is in kindergarten this year and is doing well. His teacher is great with working with his routines and knowing he needs a lot of preparation if anything is going to be done differently. He's on ADHD meds that help him get through the school day. Unfortunately, with his high metabolism and small size, we are not able to keep him medicated throughout the entire day so he pretty wild in the evenings. (the dose he would need is just too dangerous for his small size)
Kennedy is just 2. She is VERY smart, also. She can recognize some words and can count and has an amazing vocabulary....which includes some VERY adult language (I have no idea where she learned those words, I SWEAR!). She throws some major tantrums but so far she hasn't been identified as having any mental health issues. She was our surprise baby. The one we never knew we wanted until we had her. She is cute and sweet and funny and demanding and spoiled and a little crazy, too!
So, that is my brood. They are all very unique and I love them with my entire being...but they do drive me completely bonkers most of the time!
I want to give a little background on my kids. Just so you have a little bit of a clue when I say I've had a "crazy day". It doesn't mean I chipped a nail or spilled my coffee...it usually means I was dealing with a psychotic child!
So here's just a bit of background so you can see where we are at right now and what we've been through with the kids.
Daniel is the oldest. He is 10 and he'll be 11 in just a few weeks. He was a perfect little baby! He only cried when he really needed to. He wasn't overly demanding. He slept all night long. It wasn't until he was 2 when we started noticing he was more hyper than other kids...that he couldn't sit still for ANY length of time. That he NEVER stopped talking. He was easily frustrated and he wast starting to become overly sensitive. When he was 5 he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (most people know what ADHD is...ODD is oppositional defiant disorder). Later on he got a "mood disorder" tacked on due to his anxiety issues. He is smart. VERY smart. When he was in kindergarten we decided to go ahead and have him tested to see if he would get help from the Gifted program at school. His I.Q. was 146! Unfortunately, his "smarts" are book smarts. He is very much lacking in the "common sense" department! That means he could do algebra when he was 6 but couldn't learn to tie his shoes until he was 8 (and still just prefers to wear velcro shoes because laces are "too hard"!) Daniel has a lot of pent up rage. A LOT! He will randomly just blow his top and start screaming about how he is going to kill us all. Or himself. We have tried many different medication combinations and therapy situations. Right now Daniel is currently on meds to help stabilize his moods and deal with his anxiety but is off of his ADHD meds right now due to some serious side effects he was experiencing. He has to get his ADHD med out of his system before we can try a different one so he's just a little nutso right now!
Skylar is 7. Unfortunately I have too much to type about Skylar and she is going to get an entire separate post dedicated to just her!! She is diagnosed with mood disorder, ODD, ADD, and we are trying to have her tested for sensory integration dysfunction.
Gabriel is 5. Gabriel was going to be my last child. We were DONE at 3 kids. And, I admit, I spoiled the heck out of him because he was my "baby". Unfortunately, Gabriel was NOT an easy baby. He had colic and screamed almost non-stop for the first 3 months of his life! He was on the move very early. He never really crawled...he just didn't have time to learn how! At around 4 months old he was scooting around and then at about 9 months he was walking. He was moving CONSTANTLY. We knew very early that he had ADHD. We just knew. I know there are the swarms of people that don't believe in ADHD or think it's overly diagnosed. Trust me when I tell you that if you have ANY doubts....you would be a believer after being with Gabriel for only 5 minutes! Gabriel is a very funny child, though. And very empathetic. Unfortunately, Gabriel also is VERY routine-oriented. He also has some strong anxieties. Things have to be done a certain way..ALL the time. When things don't go the way he thinks they should then, OH MAN! You better look out! He also has some sensory issues but they aren't usually too extreme. He is in kindergarten this year and is doing well. His teacher is great with working with his routines and knowing he needs a lot of preparation if anything is going to be done differently. He's on ADHD meds that help him get through the school day. Unfortunately, with his high metabolism and small size, we are not able to keep him medicated throughout the entire day so he pretty wild in the evenings. (the dose he would need is just too dangerous for his small size)
Kennedy is just 2. She is VERY smart, also. She can recognize some words and can count and has an amazing vocabulary....which includes some VERY adult language (I have no idea where she learned those words, I SWEAR!). She throws some major tantrums but so far she hasn't been identified as having any mental health issues. She was our surprise baby. The one we never knew we wanted until we had her. She is cute and sweet and funny and demanding and spoiled and a little crazy, too!
So, that is my brood. They are all very unique and I love them with my entire being...but they do drive me completely bonkers most of the time!
It's coming....
I haven't forgotten or abandoned this blog. Things have just been a little wild lately. Today is my only day off from work. I am hoping to get a few quiet minutes to sit down and type up a proper blog post. Considering that two of the kids were awake ALL night long and the other two were awake MOST of the night, though, I'm just not sure how this day is going to go.
The library's annual book sale is this weekend. Today is the last day and they are having their $5 bag sale. I was planning to be there as soon as the doors opened, with the kids, so we could fill up some bags and get some new books. But maybe we'll all just take naps instead.
The library's annual book sale is this weekend. Today is the last day and they are having their $5 bag sale. I was planning to be there as soon as the doors opened, with the kids, so we could fill up some bags and get some new books. But maybe we'll all just take naps instead.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Some of my crazy
Immediately after making my last post I felt guilty. Here I am ragging on how unstable my husband is to the whole world. Don't feel too sorry for him...he puts it all out there on the internet himself. He has his own blog and publicly admits to his anxiety issues...so it's not like I am "outing" him or anything.
BUT...just to be fair I decided to make another quick post listing some of my own flaws.
I have anxiety issues, too. They have gotten worse the older I get. I don't know if Josh's issues rub off on me...or if I just realize there is a lot more things to worry about and be anxious over! This is a really scary world that I live in. A world where I am not just completely responsible for myself....but for FIVE other people. Josh and the kids are completely dependent on me being able to support them. And I suck at it! With little education and no real skills (other than a remarkable ability for dealing with insane situations) that means my earning potential is very very low. A lot of my anxieties come from money worries. Something as simple as one of the children coloring in a library book can send me into a blubbering meltdown....because I know it's going to cost me money. Money I don't have. Which means I'll have to work more overtime at work. Which means not only will I not see my kids but I will be tired and stressed out and will be dealing with craziness that I don't want to deal with.
Another of my issues is guilt. Most mothers come equipped with loads of "mommy guilt". It comes standard, I think. As soon as the sperm fertilizes the egg then the woman immediately starts feeling guilty about EVERYTHING! Oh, I shouldn't have drank that beer before I knew I was pregnant, I shouldn't have drank more than a couple cups of coffee...then the kid comes and every single thing is scrutinized and worried over. And the guilt just grows and grows as the kid gets older. Since my kids all have "special issues" my guilt grows exponentially as each new issue comes to light. Did my screwed up genes make them crazy? Or was it my parenting? Maybe I shouldn't have let Daniel cry it out. Maybe I should have breast fed them. Maybe I shouldn't have worked all through my pregnancies. Maybe I should have been better at taking my prenantal vitamins. Maybe they are screwed up because I spank? Or because I yell sometimes? Basically everything that my kids do that is wrong...I secretly blame myself for. Don't tell my husband that....I like to tell him it's all HIS fault!! My older daughter, Skylar, is 7 and she has some problems at school. She has panic attacks and attacks people (and sometimes she attacks people just to get her way). She also hurts herself when she is upset. I think that is my biggest guilt-thing with her. Her self-mutilation. Why? Oh, let's get to another of my flaws....
I'm a cutter. I have been since I was 12. My urges are almost completely under control. Meaning...I still get very strong urges but I am usually successful at ignoring them or shoving them down deep inside myself. I haven't cut myself since 12-23-10. That's really good for me. I know most people don't understand cutters. They think they do it for attention (most cutters I know go to great lengths to hide it, though, so not sure how that is for attention) or because they want to die. Maybe some day I will try to explain it. It's not really something I've ever talked about in the open like this. Just admitting it here is a huge step for me. I don't want to go into too much detail. I don't think I can right now. I just wanted to mention it because it ties in with my Mommy Guilt. My daughter gets upset and claws herself and hurts herself. She has never known that I do it, too. Maybe it's genetic? Surely it's not a coincidence! It HAS to be my fault that she does that. It's always always always the mother's fault when a child isn't perfect.
So, anyhow...there's a couple of my own flaws. Just because I felt guilty for "outing" my husband as a social freak! Stay tuned....next I will be discussing my children and the daily challenges we face with having 3 children all with diagnosed mental disorders (my youngest is only 2...she still has time to be diagnosed!!)
BUT...just to be fair I decided to make another quick post listing some of my own flaws.
I have anxiety issues, too. They have gotten worse the older I get. I don't know if Josh's issues rub off on me...or if I just realize there is a lot more things to worry about and be anxious over! This is a really scary world that I live in. A world where I am not just completely responsible for myself....but for FIVE other people. Josh and the kids are completely dependent on me being able to support them. And I suck at it! With little education and no real skills (other than a remarkable ability for dealing with insane situations) that means my earning potential is very very low. A lot of my anxieties come from money worries. Something as simple as one of the children coloring in a library book can send me into a blubbering meltdown....because I know it's going to cost me money. Money I don't have. Which means I'll have to work more overtime at work. Which means not only will I not see my kids but I will be tired and stressed out and will be dealing with craziness that I don't want to deal with.
Another of my issues is guilt. Most mothers come equipped with loads of "mommy guilt". It comes standard, I think. As soon as the sperm fertilizes the egg then the woman immediately starts feeling guilty about EVERYTHING! Oh, I shouldn't have drank that beer before I knew I was pregnant, I shouldn't have drank more than a couple cups of coffee...then the kid comes and every single thing is scrutinized and worried over. And the guilt just grows and grows as the kid gets older. Since my kids all have "special issues" my guilt grows exponentially as each new issue comes to light. Did my screwed up genes make them crazy? Or was it my parenting? Maybe I shouldn't have let Daniel cry it out. Maybe I should have breast fed them. Maybe I shouldn't have worked all through my pregnancies. Maybe I should have been better at taking my prenantal vitamins. Maybe they are screwed up because I spank? Or because I yell sometimes? Basically everything that my kids do that is wrong...I secretly blame myself for. Don't tell my husband that....I like to tell him it's all HIS fault!! My older daughter, Skylar, is 7 and she has some problems at school. She has panic attacks and attacks people (and sometimes she attacks people just to get her way). She also hurts herself when she is upset. I think that is my biggest guilt-thing with her. Her self-mutilation. Why? Oh, let's get to another of my flaws....
I'm a cutter. I have been since I was 12. My urges are almost completely under control. Meaning...I still get very strong urges but I am usually successful at ignoring them or shoving them down deep inside myself. I haven't cut myself since 12-23-10. That's really good for me. I know most people don't understand cutters. They think they do it for attention (most cutters I know go to great lengths to hide it, though, so not sure how that is for attention) or because they want to die. Maybe some day I will try to explain it. It's not really something I've ever talked about in the open like this. Just admitting it here is a huge step for me. I don't want to go into too much detail. I don't think I can right now. I just wanted to mention it because it ties in with my Mommy Guilt. My daughter gets upset and claws herself and hurts herself. She has never known that I do it, too. Maybe it's genetic? Surely it's not a coincidence! It HAS to be my fault that she does that. It's always always always the mother's fault when a child isn't perfect.
So, anyhow...there's a couple of my own flaws. Just because I felt guilty for "outing" my husband as a social freak! Stay tuned....next I will be discussing my children and the daily challenges we face with having 3 children all with diagnosed mental disorders (my youngest is only 2...she still has time to be diagnosed!!)
A little more history.....living with a social freak.
In order to understand what goes on in this house and our whole family dynamics let me give you some more of our family history.
I will start with my husband....because why would I start with myself when airing my dirty laundry? I like to point out the flaws of others first...that's just the type of person I am!!
His name is Josh and, like I said, he's a SAHD. This isn't really by choice. It's not that he's such an awesome and nurturing Dad that his sole life's purpose is to care for our little angels. He didn't give up a fulfilling and rewarding career so that he could make sure our children were raised in a safe and loving home.
He has mental issues. Yeah, I know...who doesn't, right?! No, really...he has ISSUES! He has extreme social anxiety. So bad that being around other people causes him to just freak the "f" out.
He's had a few jobs. But they all end in total and complete failure when he has some sort of mental breakdown. He usually ends up just walking out and never going back.
It's a real pain in the ass. But it is what it is. He takes meds and they keep him sane enough to watch the kids (barely) but that's about it.
You know what's really messed up? Josh really doesn't like staying at home with the kids and I'd sell my freakin' soul to stay home with my children. I seriously would. I'd be all like, "Here, Satan...I know I shouldn't do this...but if you let me stay home and take care of my kids this used up old soul is allllll yours." Then I'd sign my name in blood or something like that and it would be done.
But Satan doesn't want my soul, I guess. So I have to keep working. A lot. And I only see my school-aged kids a few hours a week.
Yes, I am bitter about this. It's not Josh's fault. If he had a magic wand he would remove his disability. He doesn't actually LIKE feeling the way he does. It's complete Hell for him. If he could change things I know he'd work a normal job and support his family. He'd be able to answer the phone when it rings and not cower in fear! (yes, a simple phone call can send him into a panic attack...I've seen it!) He'd be able to go through the McDonald's drive-thru...or walk thru Walmart without thinking everyone in the whole store is watching him and only him (yeah...like they don't have enough freaks to look at in WALMART!).
I don't always get it. And sometimes I lash out because of the un-fairness of it all. Sometimes I take it out on him. I hate that he's defective. Even though I know it's not his fault. Just ONCE I'd like to do something that a normal couple does. Did you know that we had concert tickets once? ROB ZOMBIE tickets!!! And we had to sell them and go to the lame Chinese buffet for dinner instead. Why? Because a rock concert would send Josh over the edge. It seriously would. Can you imagine someone who is so scared of being around people, surrounded by thousands of screaming, drunk Rob Zombie fans?! Yeah, it wouldn't have been pretty.
I love my husband with all my heart. This is just one of the challenges and issues I have to deal with in order to be with him. Does it suck big hairy monkey balls? Yes, definitely. Is it worth it? Yes, definitely.
I will start with my husband....because why would I start with myself when airing my dirty laundry? I like to point out the flaws of others first...that's just the type of person I am!!
His name is Josh and, like I said, he's a SAHD. This isn't really by choice. It's not that he's such an awesome and nurturing Dad that his sole life's purpose is to care for our little angels. He didn't give up a fulfilling and rewarding career so that he could make sure our children were raised in a safe and loving home.
He has mental issues. Yeah, I know...who doesn't, right?! No, really...he has ISSUES! He has extreme social anxiety. So bad that being around other people causes him to just freak the "f" out.
He's had a few jobs. But they all end in total and complete failure when he has some sort of mental breakdown. He usually ends up just walking out and never going back.
It's a real pain in the ass. But it is what it is. He takes meds and they keep him sane enough to watch the kids (barely) but that's about it.
You know what's really messed up? Josh really doesn't like staying at home with the kids and I'd sell my freakin' soul to stay home with my children. I seriously would. I'd be all like, "Here, Satan...I know I shouldn't do this...but if you let me stay home and take care of my kids this used up old soul is allllll yours." Then I'd sign my name in blood or something like that and it would be done.
But Satan doesn't want my soul, I guess. So I have to keep working. A lot. And I only see my school-aged kids a few hours a week.
Yes, I am bitter about this. It's not Josh's fault. If he had a magic wand he would remove his disability. He doesn't actually LIKE feeling the way he does. It's complete Hell for him. If he could change things I know he'd work a normal job and support his family. He'd be able to answer the phone when it rings and not cower in fear! (yes, a simple phone call can send him into a panic attack...I've seen it!) He'd be able to go through the McDonald's drive-thru...or walk thru Walmart without thinking everyone in the whole store is watching him and only him (yeah...like they don't have enough freaks to look at in WALMART!).
I don't always get it. And sometimes I lash out because of the un-fairness of it all. Sometimes I take it out on him. I hate that he's defective. Even though I know it's not his fault. Just ONCE I'd like to do something that a normal couple does. Did you know that we had concert tickets once? ROB ZOMBIE tickets!!! And we had to sell them and go to the lame Chinese buffet for dinner instead. Why? Because a rock concert would send Josh over the edge. It seriously would. Can you imagine someone who is so scared of being around people, surrounded by thousands of screaming, drunk Rob Zombie fans?! Yeah, it wouldn't have been pretty.
I love my husband with all my heart. This is just one of the challenges and issues I have to deal with in order to be with him. Does it suck big hairy monkey balls? Yes, definitely. Is it worth it? Yes, definitely.
Introductions and Salutations
Welcome to my new blog.
I am new to the blogging world and I'm still not 100% sure what direction this blog is going to go. I guess you will soon find out! Mostly I will post about my own personal experiences. I am warning you, though. I will discuss topics like mental disorders and other scary topics that most people like to avoid.
My family is dysfunctional, to say the least. I am married and I'm a mother to 4 children. Each child has their own special and unique challenges. As do my husband and myself.
Not everyone who reads this blog will appreciate my parenting style. That's ok.
My writing style isn't refined and not everyone will appreciate my lack of respect for proper grammar and punctuation. Or my love of curse words.
That's okay, too. (Dammit!)
I'm a big girl and I am fully aware that when I put my business out there for the world to see...I will get criticism and judgement. But maybe I will get support and understanding, as well.
Maybe.
So, here is the typical "introduction" and "all about me" segment.....
I am a woman. I am old enough to know better but too young to care...oh, wait....I think I am actually past the "too young to care" part. *sigh* We will say that I am in my 30's, and leave it at that.
I am married. Me and my husband have been together since 1999. Our marriage has been a wild and crazy ride. Often times I wonder why the Hell we stay together...I guess it's probably because I love the bastard so darn much! You will probably see me flip-flop a lot on my feelings for my husband. One day I'll probably post what a lazy good for nothing piece of dog poo he is and the other I'll be saying how lucky I am to have such a caring and supportive man in my life! That's just how I roll. Deal with it!! No, seriously, we get pissed off at each other a lot and I like to vent about our issues. Just know that underneath our bickering and craziness...we do love each other very much.
My husband is also in his 30's. He is a SAHD (stay-at-home-dad, for those abbreviation-challenged folks), and a self-proclaimed "nerd".
I have 4 children. Due to some genetic mutations (or something like that) they each have challenges and struggles that we deal with on a daily basis. Between them all they have a full alphabet of different diagnoses...ADHD, ADD, ODD, SED, MD, LMNOP! (yes, I made up the last one). We take each day minute by minute and do the best we can. But sometimes we screw up. Big time. Parenting isn't an exact science (I read that somewhere)....and I was never good at Science anyhow! Sometimes all I can do is laugh at the crazy things that go on in my house (and sometimes all I can do is lock myself in the bathroom and cry and cry and cry!)
I have a job and I may discuss bits of it with you ("you" as in whoever decides to stop by and read this). I work with adults with developmental and related disabilities. It's a tough job. Sometimes I think I am just a magnet for "crazies"! I deal with it all at home and then go to work and deal with it all there. And by "it" I mean extremely stressful and bizarre situations that most people would never encounter, or even dream up, in their every day lives!
So, I guess that's about it. You'll get to know more about me and my family through my future posts. I don't want to give it all away with the first post. There is a lot of history and back-ground to know about us but I'll fill you in as needed.
It's almost 3am now so I think I'll go ahead and post this historical very first ever blog post of mine (how's that for a run-on sentence?!) Good night ya'll.
I am new to the blogging world and I'm still not 100% sure what direction this blog is going to go. I guess you will soon find out! Mostly I will post about my own personal experiences. I am warning you, though. I will discuss topics like mental disorders and other scary topics that most people like to avoid.
My family is dysfunctional, to say the least. I am married and I'm a mother to 4 children. Each child has their own special and unique challenges. As do my husband and myself.
Not everyone who reads this blog will appreciate my parenting style. That's ok.
My writing style isn't refined and not everyone will appreciate my lack of respect for proper grammar and punctuation. Or my love of curse words.
That's okay, too. (Dammit!)
I'm a big girl and I am fully aware that when I put my business out there for the world to see...I will get criticism and judgement. But maybe I will get support and understanding, as well.
Maybe.
So, here is the typical "introduction" and "all about me" segment.....
I am a woman. I am old enough to know better but too young to care...oh, wait....I think I am actually past the "too young to care" part. *sigh* We will say that I am in my 30's, and leave it at that.
I am married. Me and my husband have been together since 1999. Our marriage has been a wild and crazy ride. Often times I wonder why the Hell we stay together...I guess it's probably because I love the bastard so darn much! You will probably see me flip-flop a lot on my feelings for my husband. One day I'll probably post what a lazy good for nothing piece of dog poo he is and the other I'll be saying how lucky I am to have such a caring and supportive man in my life! That's just how I roll. Deal with it!! No, seriously, we get pissed off at each other a lot and I like to vent about our issues. Just know that underneath our bickering and craziness...we do love each other very much.
My husband is also in his 30's. He is a SAHD (stay-at-home-dad, for those abbreviation-challenged folks), and a self-proclaimed "nerd".
I have 4 children. Due to some genetic mutations (or something like that) they each have challenges and struggles that we deal with on a daily basis. Between them all they have a full alphabet of different diagnoses...ADHD, ADD, ODD, SED, MD, LMNOP! (yes, I made up the last one). We take each day minute by minute and do the best we can. But sometimes we screw up. Big time. Parenting isn't an exact science (I read that somewhere)....and I was never good at Science anyhow! Sometimes all I can do is laugh at the crazy things that go on in my house (and sometimes all I can do is lock myself in the bathroom and cry and cry and cry!)
I have a job and I may discuss bits of it with you ("you" as in whoever decides to stop by and read this). I work with adults with developmental and related disabilities. It's a tough job. Sometimes I think I am just a magnet for "crazies"! I deal with it all at home and then go to work and deal with it all there. And by "it" I mean extremely stressful and bizarre situations that most people would never encounter, or even dream up, in their every day lives!
So, I guess that's about it. You'll get to know more about me and my family through my future posts. I don't want to give it all away with the first post. There is a lot of history and back-ground to know about us but I'll fill you in as needed.
It's almost 3am now so I think I'll go ahead and post this historical very first ever blog post of mine (how's that for a run-on sentence?!) Good night ya'll.
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