Some of my crazy

Immediately after making my last post I felt guilty.  Here I am ragging on how unstable my husband is to the whole world.  Don't feel too sorry for him...he puts it all out there on the internet himself.  He has his own blog and publicly admits to his anxiety issues...so it's not like I am "outing" him or anything.
BUT...just to be fair I decided to make another quick post listing some of my own flaws.
I have anxiety issues, too.  They have gotten worse the older I get.  I don't know if Josh's issues rub off on me...or if I just realize there is a lot more things to worry about and be anxious over!  This is a really scary world that I live in.  A world where I am not just completely responsible for myself....but for FIVE other people.  Josh and the kids are completely dependent on me being able to support them.  And I suck at it!  With little education and no real skills (other than a remarkable ability for dealing with insane situations) that means my earning potential is very very low. A lot of my anxieties come from money worries.  Something as simple as one of the children coloring in a library book can send me into a blubbering meltdown....because I know it's going to cost me money.  Money I don't have.  Which means I'll have to work more overtime at work.  Which means not only will I not see my kids but I will be tired and stressed out and will be dealing with craziness that I don't want to deal with.
Another of my issues is guilt.  Most mothers come equipped with loads of "mommy guilt".  It comes standard, I think.  As soon as the sperm fertilizes the egg then the woman immediately starts feeling guilty about EVERYTHING!  Oh, I shouldn't have drank that beer before I knew I was pregnant, I shouldn't have drank more than a couple cups of coffee...then the kid comes and every single thing is scrutinized and worried over. And the guilt just grows and grows as the kid gets older.  Since my kids all have "special issues" my guilt grows exponentially as each new issue comes to light.  Did my screwed up genes make them crazy?  Or was it my parenting?  Maybe I shouldn't have let Daniel cry it out. Maybe I should have breast fed them.  Maybe I shouldn't have worked all through my pregnancies.  Maybe I should have been better at taking my prenantal vitamins.  Maybe they are screwed up because I spank?  Or because I yell sometimes?  Basically everything that my kids do that is wrong...I secretly blame myself for.  Don't tell my husband that....I like to tell him it's all HIS fault!!  My older daughter, Skylar, is 7 and she has some problems at school.  She has panic attacks and attacks people (and sometimes she attacks people just to get her way).  She also hurts herself when she is upset.  I think that is my biggest guilt-thing with her.  Her self-mutilation.  Why?  Oh, let's get to another of my flaws....
I'm a cutter.  I have been since I was 12.  My urges are almost completely under control.  Meaning...I still get very strong urges but I am usually successful at ignoring them or shoving them down deep inside myself.  I haven't cut myself since 12-23-10.  That's really good for me.  I know most people don't understand cutters.  They think they do it for attention (most cutters I know go to great lengths to hide it, though, so not sure how that is for attention) or because they want to die.  Maybe some day I will try to explain it.  It's not really something I've ever talked about in the open like this.  Just admitting it here is a huge step for me. I don't want to go into too much detail.  I don't think I can right now.  I just wanted to mention it because it ties in with my Mommy Guilt.  My daughter gets upset and claws herself and hurts herself.  She has never known that I do it, too.  Maybe it's genetic?  Surely it's not a coincidence!  It HAS to be my fault that she does that.  It's always always always the mother's fault when a child isn't perfect.
So, anyhow...there's a couple of my own flaws.  Just because I felt guilty for "outing" my husband as a social freak!  Stay tuned....next I will be discussing my children and the daily challenges we face with having 3 children all with diagnosed mental disorders (my youngest is only 2...she still has time to be diagnosed!!)